Political Idiot-Savant

A good kingdom for Her Majesty, Palin

Gov. Sarah Palin cites vigilance against Russian warplanes coming into U.S. airspace over Alaska as one of her foreign policy credentials. But the U.S. military command in charge says that hasn't happened in her 21 months in office.


"When you consider even national security issues with Russia, as (Prime Minister Vladimir) Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where — where do they go? It's Alaska," the Republican vice presidential nominee said in an interview last week with CBS News' Katie Couric.





Another friendship officially ending today.

Dave.

He got way too wound up about Palin. I think she is way over her head politically and he didn't feel that way at all. Kept wanting proof. Well Dave, just watch her on TV. Out of her own mouth.

Anyway, we had what I considered to be a spirited political debate some time back. I stood my ground. He didn't like it (strangely since he exhibits over slobbery, solicitous behavior to his girlfriend) and after trading many emails (Yes, an email war) I finally let him take the last point and will now depart.

I just didn't take it all that personally but he did. Way too seriously.

Of course losing a friend is a unfortunate but he crossed MY line. Not THE line. Just mine. To me a friendship lost because of a political debate is not a friendship at all. I think it will be a relief to both of us.

The tumult and the shouting dies;
The captains and the kings depart:

I am not a seer but I believe that Palin and the economy will pull McCain and Palin (a pale shadow of a Vice Presidential candidate and not the first of that ilk) down to defeat in November. She will go back to Alaska and the obscurity of being governor, a member of the christian right and a housewife.

There were better women for McCain to chose amongst and yet he picked an political idiot. So what does that say of him? This from a man who doubts Obama so don't pin me as a Democrat.

In any case, I would banish her to those rocky, storm swept islands of the Bering straight and let her keep a long and silent watch on her Russian enemies.

60:00:00

Quietly I ran 60 minutes this morning. It's been months coming back to that level.

60:00:00.

I was sluggish and drained but not because of running.

Congress voted down the 770 million dollar bailout. Maybe it is for the best. We have moved most of our money to "high ground" and I believe it to be safe but one never knows. Not really. I am glad we made the move weeks ago. I could feel that another shoe was going to drop.

Today it did.

WHAM!

Another act in the Black Swan event that is engulfing our economy.

Now we'll have to gut our way out of things. There will be more down days followed by a recovery. What we have to do (my wife and I) is figure out how to take advantage of the market. There have to be some good buys out there.

But none of this was the reason I was tired. I am tired about being tired about work. Enough said. Maybe Peter Pan had it right.

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!"

REAL WORK

I have been trying to pinpoint my client's leadership type. Stanley Bing's book, Crazy Bosses has a chapter on paranoids that seems to mostly fit the bill. M is paranoid and a bit delusional. He has told me on numerous (uncountable) occasions that he know how to best manage his department and that he does not appreciate others interfering. And he does believe that others are interfering. In the meantime he starves his headcount especially in areas he does not highly value. The M type of worker does not really question his approach but just does what he call real work.

Real work is simply working yourself into the ground trying to stay up with the constant sheaves of paperwork and demands that flood the system hourly, daily and weekly. It is almost impossible to ever catch up and have time to think about anything approaching a more efficient way of doing things. Success, if it can be called that, is measured on how much paper one has moved rather than in doing things more efficiently.

M always defaults to his real work premise if you talk to him about a more systemic way of getting something done.

In short, he has made himself an unenlightened ruler of a petty kingdom that he rules with an iron fist. He is friendly enough and accepts challenges but his strategy, ultimately is to fall back on his real work model that means more time spent at work doing more mind numbing paperwork and useless projects. In the end you get worn down and become a sort of drone. You get too tired to argue. It is easier to listen to his stream of consciousness tirade about how he it the only one who really knows how to do it right and then get out of his office and go back to your desk.

On two consecutive weekends I have thought about going in to work to get caught up but the thought of that office makes me queasy so I stay at home, don't get caught up (you never really get caught up anyway) and I just figure I will face the mess on Monday. This is not a happy place. The team is close but they cling to each other. It is the closeness of a prison camp rather than the happiness of a village. There is no art here unless it is the art of laying bricks. The rule is that of the guild not the rule of creativity and potential. The place is locked down in time and does not move forward.

This is it anyway. Either the CEO moves HR or I give notice but I to my promise am true. I will wait through Tuesday. Personally I think it will be very tough for the CEO to stand up to M. I have told him this. If it were in my hands I would have no problem telling him that HR is moving (both organizationally and physically). But I am not the CEO. So he has the terrible task of telling M that this move is immediate. He can't ask.

He has to tell.

My direction?

I will fly up to the big clock tower and then aim for the second star to the right and straight on 'till morning.

Solitary 58 minutes

I was really lazy today. Frankly it felt good. I slept in until 7:30 AM, sipped coffee, walked Amber and went to breakfast with the club. I finally got out in the early afternoon and ran 58 slow minutes in the heat (80's). Most runners had disappeared with the cool morning giving way to soccer players and their parents and a few solitary runners including me.

At breakfast Jake told me that he is back to running every day hard but keeping the miles low. It will all end up the same place. Dead legs.

Smart Working

I took some time for myself and ran 45 minutes this morning. I just didn't want to rush or push so I did not walk Amber.

Work was the usual. I walked into to find that more stuff had dropped through the cracks but I ducked a meeting and made up ground. Had a conversation with the CFO about on-line tools that would link HR and payroll and do away with the double and triple entry that we are all going through. He is open to it to a level (that level being his lack of vision) and even though the annual costs are minimal he pushed back showing that he is so tight his wallet squeaks. He would prefer to work people into the ground while telling me that he does not appreciate others telling him how to run finance.

Using the military vernacular, he is a decent brigade commander but not a corp commander and it shows. He works hard but is rigid. In the best of worlds he would be retired but the board and the CEO need to deliver that message. I am at risk anyway. I am closer to the team now. Things are reversing themselves. I am finding that more of the staff is just putting in hard time and evaluating leaving someplace down the line.

All totally unnecessary. A lesson to you managers out there: Work smart not hard.

The Great Game

Strange day.

I talked to the CEO of my client for 90 minutes this morning via cell phone at his request. On my strong recommendation, HR may end up reporting to him. This would be a shock to the CFO. He will have to know that I was behind it so I may actually be ejected without quitting. I promised the CFO that I would hold off saying anything about leaving until he has a talk with the CFO. I had planned to leave so I have nothing to lose. If the CEO blinks it is over for both me and HR.

This is sort of exciting. It is the very right thing for both the client and HR and I gain little from it because I am not the future VP of HR for the company. What I get is the satisfaction of trying to make the right thing happen. HR exists in such a limited scope it literally does not exists except as a clerical entity. But the potential is there but not if it stay reporting to finance. Little more than a side show of a side show.

But I am betraying the CFO, who brought me in. But then it is the CFO who in turn is betraying the company because of his limited understanding of HR.

This is the great game. I am truly on the razor's edge of corporate politics and way out of bounds for a consultant.

Born to be surrounded.

51 things you wish you could say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 . I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

7 . I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

8 . It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

9 . Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

10 . I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

11 . You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

12 . I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

13. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

14 . I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15 . Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17 . Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

18 . What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

19 . I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21 . Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22 . And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

23 . Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

24 . This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

25 . I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

26 . Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

28 . Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

29 . Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

30 . Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

31 . An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

32 . Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

33 . Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

35 . Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

36 . How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37 . I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

38. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

39 . Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

40 . Aren't you a black hole of need.

41 . I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

42 . Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

43. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

44. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

45 . I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

46 . Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

47 . Have a nice day, somewhere else.

48 . You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

49 . You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

50 . Don't believe everything you think.

51 . Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Forbes Mill Again..........Also Leaving

Went to Forbes Mill this morning and did an easy up and back in just under 26 minutes. Then I followed a tired Jake up for another loop but Jake stopped at the top (we hit the turnaround in about 11:40) while while I kept the same even effort back down to finish in 21:43. This is my first harder effort since June. It was nothing special but given the ravages of time, who knows, one of these days I may look back fondly on a sub 22 minute loop.

In the late afternoon, for some unknown reason, I went back to the track and ran another scintillating 9:41 mile. About 57 minutes for the day.

__________________________________________________________________________________

I have decided to leave my present client. It is way too toxic. I will give decent notification to the CFO but it is time for me to move on. I am thinking that either the 10th or 17th of October will be it. It will force him to finally hire someone or at least bring in another contractor. It just can't be me. I have fully come to realize that I was just doing it for the money and no longer for my belief about keeping commitments. The target has moved so often in the last 8 weeks that I know longer know what it is that I am committed to.

I would like to find out what the next thing is so I must leave. I realize that I cannot succeed if I stay. There needs to be a path and in this place none exists from where I presently stand.

OU OPOVTIS

Such a little out of the way place for a legend.





A day in the life of the Silicon Valley Warrior

6:30 AM: Awaken

6:30-7:30: Drink coffee, shave and try to wake up.

7:30-8:00: Shower, get dressed.

8:00-9:30: Walk dog, eat breakfast, cruise the web.

9:30-10:00: Drive to work.

10:00 AM-6:30 PM: Work straight through. No lunch. Myriad of crisis management issues. Try to hold the fort. Begin to realize that the fort may be the Alamo. Fall further behind on work. Of course I have yet to define what falling behind is.

6:30-7:00: Drive home.

7:00-7:30: Drink wine, eat cashews.

7:30 on. Eat dinner, watch TV, fall asleep in front of the TV for an hour, wake up stagger inside to the living room couch and surf the internet.

10:45 PM: Write in blog. Wide awake now after nap.

What was it Lawrence chiseled over his cottage door?

OU OPOVTIS

Roughly translated. Don't worry.

A Brief Empire of the Offices

A hectic day at work but it didn't get to me. I just handled it. I admit that the department is fraying at the edges (stuff not filed, folders not made yet etc etc) but I just try to stay focused on what is in front of me. Mike from IT and I figured out that territorially I am temporarily very powerful. I have taken over two offices and the file room. It will be a brief empire but not too bad for a contractor.

___________________________________________________________________________

52 minutes of running this morning.

Silicon Valley Warrior: The Passage

A day off from everything.

I was thinking about what I care and don't about.

I care about my family.

I care about freedom of movement.

I don't care much about who will be the next president of the USA. I should by other people's standards but I just don't really care at the base of things. I have seen both good and bad presidents and the country has survived both (so far). Our founding fathers were geniuses. They created a system whereby we could survive and exorcise our leaders. Not easily but still the machinery is there to do with them as we please.

I want inner peace. I am tired of people who create chaos in my life. Who use me up. I also dislike the fact that I allow myself to be used up. On the other hand, I will continue to help those that I can.

I want to continue to run but I don't much care about being fast anymore. I am not fast anyway so this is an easy decision. The action and society of running is what I love.

Fear and panic. They are hard wired into our DNA but also we have the ability to control these emotions. That is what sets us apart. I have had a good lesson in this over the past several weeks. I worry much about things that never come to pass. I worry about things that do come to pass. It is all the same. They do come to pass never the less. It all seems rather silly to resist what will come anyway.

There is no line of demarcation about working or not working. I will do it or not as I please. The word retirement is someone else's definition of life. Not mine. Enjoying the process is what is critical. Not the destination. I can lay around and loaf (as Larry Darrell so eloquently put it in "The Razor's Edge" or I can work. It's all the same as long as it allows me to enjoy the passage.

It is time to emotionally move on. To find that peace I have sought my whole life.

India

Saturday was peaceful (finally). While the USA worked overtime in an attempt to rescue itself, I ran 51 minutes in the morning and then joined the club for breakfast.

Big breather.

I find myself beginning to detach. But it's easier when the markets are quiet and I am distracted. Monday will be the test. To stay detached.

India.

Crossover Day

It seems very strange but I am actually adjusting the client's work environment. Tuesday was the crossover day. With D walking out and the market crashing, I suddenly went calm or maybe it was resolute. I took a long Wednesday off and then came on Thursday. The work load hadn't changed. Not really. But suddenly it seemed that I was n control of the ship again.

Email traffic is about half of what it used to be because D and I pushed hard for a self service model and if she was here just long enough to help with that, it made a difference. I met the CEO Thursday. He sought my advice. We agreed to talk some more in the future. In a moment I could see the possibilities. But the job is still paper heavy to a fault and it still reports to the CFO. So I will still leave.

Shel asked me to stop looking at my accounts. "Give it two weeks," he asked. "You'll go nuts otherwise." He is right especially given my need to distance myself from it

I still contemplate a long term contract or a job. Going back inside for some steady money and benefits. Sue doesn't think I should do it. I have challenged her to tell me how we can live on a budget. Maybe extended cable goes. We cut to the bone. Keep the gardener, get rid of the housekeeper. Alex begins to pay his own freight. He is willing. I keep working part time. Reverse mortgage. I move to Kaiser if the cost is really lower.

It's the way of the warrior.

Not very enlightened but neither was losing the money we did over the past several weeks.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In the morning on Friday, I ran my 5 mile course in 47 minutes and change. No pushing of the pace and it still isn't very fast, just faster than last week or the week before.

Fear and Panic

The present financial situation that is engulfing this country (and soon the world) has created several universal byproducts.

o Fear

o Panic

I have known both of them. I want to hang onto the wealth we built and yet I have seen 10% of it seep away over the past month in a series of black Mondays and Wednesdays. And I know it's not over until things shake out all the way to the ground. That's the way it was in 2001 and 2002 when the Dot.Com bust raged across the country fueled by 9-11 and Enron. When it came it seemed never ending. This time it was bad mortgages that triggered the slide and bank and financial institutions are being toppled right and left (or so it seems). But there are enough experts writing and talking about this.

I am not one of those people.

I have to deal with the fear and panic that is coming on like a hurricane. We can see it on the satellite weather maps. We know it is out there raging and we know it will come for us. Every man and woman has to deal with this. This is the battle I have to fight. I move my money to safer ground. I think about cash. But the brittle emotions are still there.

There is no safe place. Not really because the monster that is tracking me is myself.

I have met the enemy and they are myself.

I know that things will shake out. It will be very bloody. I will lose money. Maybe a great deal of money. Things will bottom out. Even Hiroshima in all of its cruel glory eventually ended. Same with Dresden and Pearl Harbor. Endless while it was taking place and now long since resolved. You hit bottom, dust yourself off and figure out how to move forward again.

There is a centered place in our minds. One of peace. It is a hard place to find when a crisis is going on. But that is the great challenge. To find it just then, when it the most valuable. Anyone can be calm when there is no threat. We pride ourselves on being in control but we really have no control except over our mind.

When my coordinator walked out the other day and I was alone again in that terrible job I found myself feeling very calm in my resolve. The calmest I have felt in two months. I had nothing to lose. I was in that place or a place near it.

If I could escape this place for a years I would go now. I would go to India and live in an ashram like Larry Darrell did in The Razor's Edge. The great depression came and went and he was in India seeking inwardly. If my wife would go with me I would move to the south of France in some small town or some Greek Island and just erase the panic and fear that rages around me and that, at times, even paralyzes me and I don't paralyze easy.

I have been to those places where people don't have much money but they still seem to live there lives and find happiness. My wife seeks solace in a sort of avoidance. I seek it in action. We balance each other in a strange way. I love her so I stay and as a result I will have to seek out that centered place here, inside of me. That is my journey. That is your journey because the fear and panic out there is unforgiving and relentless and created by lessor men who in greed sought glory in greed and if you care for the word, irresponsible business practices.

A man alone in control of his senses does not feel unreasonable panic. Put us in a group and we become a mob. Then we can panic as a mob.

I am not going to hide under some rock and cover my eyes and say this isn't happening. But I have to stop caring so much about it. I will do what I can. What I think is right. I am going to begin to distance myself from it. I will create my own India and go there and live. Money is recoverable, Time on earth is not.


Ambika Bhatt wrote this wonderful poem. I hope she doesn't mind my using it.


I feel old
did I tell you that?
I have wrinkles on my soul
did I tell you that?

did I tell you
that I cry in my dreams…?
I writhe in my sleep…
did I tell you that?
I have bruises on my heart…
did I tell you that?
my pain would never end…
did I tell you that?
my nights wander like ghosts
down dark alleys and half-lighted caves…
did I tell you
that you’d have to wait
till I “make” myself??

my “self” is hardly formed…
did I tell you that?
my ideals are in infancy…
did I tell you that?
I learn from mistakes…
did I tell you that?
I cry bloody tears…
I walk through fire each night…
I have a habit of burning my soul…
I can't exist without killing myself…
I am separate from me…
I am only beginning to know you…
it could take me years to reach you…
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you wait?
will you?
how do I know?
how do I know for sure?
how do I know?
how do I know for sure?
tell me…
how do I know for sure…?

I am stubborn …
I search endlessly for answers…
I speak so much you could die listening to me…
would you listen?
would you wait?
that’s what I want to know…
would you wait?
would you?
would you?
would you?
would you?
would you?
would you?
would you?
would you?

Shane: Joey, there's no living with, with a killing. There's no going back from it. Right or wrong, it's a brand, a brand that sticks. (Shane shows sad affection in his eyes for the boy.) There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother and tell her, tell her everything's alright, and there aren't any more guns in the valley.


Yesterday I went Wyatt Earp and Shane on my client. N did the cold shoulder thingy to my coordinator who just lost it and quit outright. 10 days of abuse was too much. I came out with both barrels blazing which is very unlike me. I basically told my client that I was one hand movement away from slamming my badge down on his desk and walking out. So after a long lunch I got back to find out that they had given me an excellent person from finance to replace my lost person. Actually if I could have chosen a person, she would have been it.

It will get me through the next little while. N is on warning from her management not to screw up again and I gave it to her with both barrels (again) last night telling her that her little tirade had created a great deal of needless chaos and had hurt HR, finance and the company. She ended up in tears and I told her that we both just needed to move on. But one more screw up.......

I am on borrowed time anyway. Like the proverbial gunman that cleaned up the town and slayed the bad guy, the townsfolk will eventually want the gunman to leave.

As Shane said, there is no going back from a killing.

I killed yesterday. Not literally but virtually.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I went to Forbes Mill this morning and ran 50 minutes. Jake and I did an up and back in 25 minutes and then I ran another 25 minutes by myself.

Dunkirk

This would have been a good place for SOA to have met, sorted out what was happening and how we should approached the issue. Instead, like rats, we all hid in our holes. We are a modest bunch and indeed we have much to be modest about. I include myself in this most of all.

I don't know about the rest of you but the past two weeks were a bit like Dunkirk in 1940. I think I may have gotten my army out of France but I took losses. I still have the RAF, the channel between myself and extinction and of course I have the fleet. Now the Germans will come and bomb Britain and I will have to fight defensively until the Americans come into the war.

El Alamein is far off in the future and it will be bloody. But I will win there.

__________________________________________________________________

I ran 47 minutes this morning while my net worth dropped 25-30K (I am not sure yet) on the 4th Black Monday of my life.

Contractor's can't fight back

Contractor's can't fight inter-office wars unless they have been specifically hired for that purpose. Since I wasn't, there are only two options.

1. Stay and get beat up. I don't mind getting bombed but not if I don't have a chance of winning and in this case i don't have a particle of a chance.

2. Vote with my feet and leave. This is prudent. The question comes down to not if but when. In other words how quickly. if you can't strike back or if you won't strike back then it is best to evaporate into the landscape.

N ripped us a new one today sending us a shouting email about a piece of paperwork she didn't get on a new hire. It's all very high schoolish or maybe even middle school. It's not worthy of that level of attention but if the truth be told, this blog has been filled with this crap for the past seven weeks. This blog helps me exorcise the frustration because I want to fight back but my code of consulting says that is not an option.

So it is leave.

Depart.

Now I stop and turn

Next week is the end of fear for it is that which keeps us from chance taking. Tom and I spoke at breakfast today about that which keeps us from enacting change especially if that which we need to change is destructive to us.

Those who did not run from Thermopylae or from the Alamo. We remember them to this day for their courage. We do not remember well those that ran away.

Tom asked why it is so hard to change.

I believe it is a combination of wanting to be comfortable and also fear of what unknown thing lies on the other side of that change. Something that we can't see. We hang on to that which feels safe rather than risk change.

It is really silly that we fear change because, in time, it will be thrust on us anyway.

I find it almost comical that I am hanging onto a job that I hate when I have happily walked away from work that I loved.

I have been running away again. Now I stop and turn. The running is over.

________________________________________________________________________

I upped my running to 45 minutes.

Hoo-Ha!!!!

42 minutes of happiness

I ran 42 minutes this morning. It was cool and overcast and I just needed to shake out the work stress. I didn't walk Amber. I needed time to myself but she gave me the flinty eyed sad face when I came back in so tomorrow we'll be out doing our walk before I run again.

We're getting the chill treatment at work. We stood up against BIG N and she was caught in more than few lies. But in the name of peace her bosses did absolutely nothing. The good news is that both D and I have decided that this was it. Working there has become a series of Munich's (1938 style). Appeasement. That stopped yesterday.

So I will go in next week and give notice. Maybe 2-3 weeks max. But after that I am out. The price in aggravation is too high. I should have done it this past week. I don't fit every culture (even though I can adapt to almost anything). I have had at least 3 or 4 prior contracts over the past seven years where I did not want to adapt. This is simply the next one. The sweatshop mentality is out of balance. When you don't have senior level leadership that is effective the next level is dominated by junior people, then this is what happens.

I am fairly fried and at the bottom of it, I simply do not have the reserves to hang in there. The ever crashing tide of incoming paperwork plus the hostile environment is wearing me down. I will leave others to solve it. The last year and a half has been spotty. A year too long at my 3 year client, two bad "fit" contracts and now a 3rd one.I need to be regroup. Not give up. Just regroup.

40 minutes

I finally got back to Forbes Mill (picture above) and ran with Jake doing one up and back in the mid 24's. My calf held up OK and I ran the next 16 minutes over at the track to hit 40 minutes total. It's all a crap shoot. I am not running hard and I am not pushing the pace. But I am testing the darn thing to see if it will hold up.

Jake locked his key in the car so after breakfast, I drove him over to where his wife works and he drove her car home to get his spare key. I also found a check I never cashed from one gig. $4,500 sitting in my trunk for 6 months! The accounts payable person told me she would issue another check. I will shred the old one. So found money amongst the investment market turmoil.

I took a day off from work. Frankly it was nice not to have to be up there. I needed a real break which I define as a day other people have to work and I choose to take the day off. Now a couple of five hour days and I am home for the weekend.

This has been a very strange time for me. Between work and life in general I feel like I have spun out of orbit. I guess it's some sort of test. I must be testing me since I don't really believe in a higher "testing" power. But that check. It showed up at the right time so maybe someone up there likes me.

OUCH!

A normal Monday at my contract job.




My newly hired HR Specialist is questioning her sanity after one week in the job.

"I am buried," she told me today. We're both buried. Her desk was strewn with paperwork and files. She was trying to pull all of it together into some sort of order. She told me that she had never seen anything quite like this.

Welcome to the Heroic Work World.

"I know exactly how you feel," I said. I see two things. The first is that two people in the department means twice the paperwork flow. The second is that I quickly becoming unpopular with the natives in finance. I am not doing Lawrence of Arabia very well. This is a badly taped VHS replay of Borland back in 1991-1992 where the HR culture spat me out and stomped me. I promised myself that I would never stay in a poisonous environment again and yet here I am, because of promised and commitments I made, staying.

The tail wags the dog in this place.

I had warned my boss that I was a bad fit when he was convincing me that I should stay. I remember saying to him that he would come to regret this. Soon he will. I am already becoming a liability to him. I would fire me. Culturally I am not a fit.

We're going to square off on Tuesday and talk about this. I am quickly arriving at the realization that everyone is trying to keep me in place because it is convenient for them. I am not really in the equation. It is Pork Chop Hill and the Alamo all in one. I am going to have to resolve this myself for my best interest.

The government buyout of Ginnie Mae and Fannie Mae crushed $50,000 dollars that Sue and I had invested in that area. Due to the job stress, I had taken my eye off the investment ball (so to speak). $50,000 is now $6,000.

OUCH!

Comeback Kid

I had breakfast with Danny, Madelyn, Jake and Carl at the Bill Of Fare. Jake is on a version of his kids program (he coaches them). Last Thursday he ran a 2.2 mile coaches race in the 17 minute range in 100 plus degrees.

He asked us the question.

17 minutes isn't that bad is it?

Not for 5K it isn't.

Laughter....

Jake went on to tell about a really good run he had had earlier in the morning. 4.5 miles at a 9 minute pace.

More laughter....

Danny is coaching too. He runs with his high school girls every afternoon. He has exhausted himself but has also lost 5 pounds.

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I ran 36 minutes in the late morning. Yahoo's home page registered the outside temperature at 72 degrees but it was hotter than that. I would say closer to 80. But, no matter. The comeback kid went out and did his time on the roads anyway.

Morphing

My colleague and friend John once said that I had a better ability to adapt to different company cultures than almost anyone he knew.

In different schools of thought it is called morphing or shape shifting.

I have experienced some fairly divergent corporate cultures over the past years and have evolved my ability to morph to a high level. I have done this consciously and of my own volition. I have also done this over and over again. It is my gift.

Beware of the gifts that the Gods bestow on you. They are always a double edged sword.

I think there is price to pay though. Morphing can mean going against your true self if you have a higher goal. Lawrence said (I am paraphrasing) that he often had to go back to Cairo to be British again and to keep from going mad. This was during that 1916-1918 period where he heavily involved in the Arab Revolt. After the war he went back to help Churchill hammer out the new boundaries of what use to be the Ottoman Empire. Then he never went back again. Lawrence exhausted himself handling people. It used him up. In the end he buried himself in the low ranks of the RAF which in a strange way gave him more freedom.

Howard Roark, Ayn Rand's hero from The Fountainhead, would never have tried to fit in. He would have done the work the way he felt was the best he had in himself. He would have thought about people second and the work first. It was not his goal to harm people. In fact it was the exact opposite but he believed in setting a standard for himself and then trying to reach that level of excellence. Roark was rarely at odds with himself but in truth he was a fictional character in a book.

A woman who was enraptured by Ayn Rand characters said that in the end she isolated herself from friends and family. My guess is that she perverted the ideology thinking that unless someone lived up to her new standards, they were not worthy of her time.

But there are times when you have to make choices about who you spend time with but you have to remember that this goes both ways.

I am not an altruist. I believe in the spirit of man. That which resides within each human being. The variations of God that most men worship just doesn't work for me. I have no problem with other people believing in God, just quit lathering all their beliefs over the rest of us.

I often want to help people but it is a selfish act not one generally done out guilt. I am susceptible to guilt. After all it seems to be hard wired into are brains as human being. I accept this but try to resist it as a motivator.

So who am I now? Me or someone else's version of me?

Being yourself is freeing but the price is that others will hate you for it.

Scene one:

I am giving you my two weeks notice.

Why? What's wrong?

I know how to run HR and this isn't the way to do it. This is your department. Not mine.

I have given you the freedom to do what you want.

Yes, within the bounds of what you understand as freedom but for me it is simply not logical or effective so I am going to leave. I wanted you to know so you could begin looking for someone else.

OK, but...

It is really not something I want to discuss. We're just polar opposites in our approach to work. I think it is best that I leave.

I get up, push my chair back and leave the office.

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I am up to 34 minutes of running. This morning I got out early before it warmed up. I walked Amber, dropped her off at the house and then ran over to the college, circled the track and came home. I dropped over at Carrows to see who was having breakfast but no one from the club was there. I went on and did some errands.

But it's a nice place to work

It is Friday evening. 4 dinners out, 4 lunches. Little or no time for reflection. How do politicians do it? No wonder Hillary Clinton needs BIG pants suits.

And on the consulting front:

I did not lie. I did not create a story. An "out" if you will. I am staying for the time being letting our new coordinator help with the heavy lifting. In a week or two I will drop back to part time until a regular HR Director is hired. 20-24 hours a week a week is what my client and I agreed upon.

Like my friend Jerry said. "It is what it is."

My boss asked me what my HR model would look like so I told him. He listened politely (personally I like him..he means well) but he doubted that people in the company would give an HR person permission to do what I told him could be done. Free of any desire to truly stay, I openly said to him that this wasn't about asking permission. It was about earning respect and trust within the culture so that they would take you in as one of their own. Then, as TE Lawrence once wrote, you can do with them as you please.

"Even with the best of us, you are a year away," I added. It would take a year and I didn't have a year. I may not have a month.

I think it will be tough. He seems to literally revel in the throw them in the pool and let them sink or swim approach. It's almost macho and has created a race of exhausted zombies.

There are potential allies and agents of change but it would be an uphill battle. People seem more interested in putting the flag on top of Mount Suribachi than in talking Iwo Jima.

"We'll do that later," they say. It just doesn't scale. The casualties are too high. You never get a chance to breathe. Of course I could just begin to fight back and either win or get fired in the effort. I would be a Black Swan event for F & A. And the truth is that they really cannot fire me. I am a consultant and clients are always telling me to leave (one way or the other). I would just need to keep a smile on my face. Sounds like a great deal of designer drugs to maintain the evenness.

"Roark looked at the sketches, and even though he wanted to throw them at Keating's face and resign, one thought stopped him: the thought that it was a building and that he had to save it, as others could not pass a drowning man without leaping in to the rescue."

The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand

Disputed Barricade

Today was a failure of will.

I could not lie. I could not create a story. An "out" if you will. I am staying for the time being letting our new coordinator pick up the heavy lifting. In a week or so I will drop back to part time until a regular HR Director is hired. 2-3 days a week is what my client and I agreed upon. Acceptable and doable. Painfully so.

So the game changes slightly and the race to find and hire someone else is the new goal. I am like Lee's Army of Northern Virginia in 1864, racing to beat Grant's next flanking move. Racing to get their first and lay my meager army across some obscure and disputed barricade. The next Spotsylvania. The next Cold Harbor.

But then I can't toss a silver dollar across the Potomac either. Like my friend Jerry said. "It is what it is." I will just have to play it out.

My boss asked what HR could look like I told him. He listened politely but he doubts that people would give an HR person permission to do what I told him could be done. Free of any desire to stay I openly said to him that this wasn't about asking permission. It was about earning the respect and trust of the tribe so that they would take you in as one of their own.

A Dangerous Place

The place where I am presently contracting is dangerous. It is not evil in any way nor have I met any people there that seem evil. But in its own way it is a prison. A self inflicted one. It's as if I sentenced myself to serve time in the place. Dave put it succinctly the other day. You were talking of taking some time off. This seems quite the opposite.

This is a place where you could lose yourself in the sameness of each day. No room for any risk taking. No room for innovation. In fact the mesmerizing lure of the place is that things don't really change at all. It resists change. The people there seem to be waiting, but for what?

For things not to change.

In the interim they focus on the process of their respective jobs. No questioning unless it is the question of the inmate in the prison. Even the act of eating lunch is a privileged rather an expectation. It is alright to eat if it doesn't interfere with the bureaucracy.

They share an unquestioning loyalty (the loyalty of a tethered animal) to their commander who, feeling unappreciated, tries to replicate himself multiple times in the form of them. They may not be the best, he says proudly, but they are better than they were before I showed up. If it is not exact at least he can wall in the pathos of their work life so that it fits his personal pathos. He believes it justifies his existence. It justifies his hundreds of thousands of shares of stock while he delights in dispensing a meagerly small number of options to those who come after him.

What was it that TE Lawrence said about the fact that many members of his bodyguard were cutthroats?

Yes, but they cut throats at my command.

They have grown very use to their prison. They even smile from time to time in their misjudgment of where they reside.

One man asked me how he could get more stock. He had alluded to this question a half dozen times in my short 4 weeks of residency. I finally closed the door and said to him, Go somewhere else. It's not going to happen here. I had seen into his master's mind. It is the mind of a miser not a man who makes dreams comes true. he can't even make his own dreams a reality.

Of course he had reasons to stay. I know those reasons. We all create them to feel comfortable. I just can't feel that comfort anymore. It has been pressed out of me.

Were I king, he would quickly be banished. But I am not a king. I am a freelancer passing through on my way home from the quest. I am stopping to drink water from a dark well. There is very little light down there. Not enough to fool me and I trust my instinct that I have already tarried too long. Like Theseus, I will have to abandon Ariadne on Naxos and seek the rest of my destiny. There is no morality in it. If I stay I will torn be apart.

Mojo Running

It's time to get serious! I ran 28 minutes today elliptically circling my yuppie class neighborhood. Of course my running feels a bit more like I am lurching along but I am sure I will get a handle on my mojo and begin to float. I am just not there right now.
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Good news on the political front.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol is pregnant and in their conservative, christian heart of hearts her parent are forcing her to marry the father. Of course they didn't actually say she was forced but given the parent's background, why else would you think it is a good idea for a a girls that young to get married. Let's see. If consenting adults have only a 50-50 chance of staying married i wonder what the odds are for a 17 year old girl?

Politics and business life are very much the same.

IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO! Even when it's not.

On the Afghan front, my good friend's son is starting to sound jaded in his emails. He is a medic in the army. Good kid. I met him some time back. GREAT parents and a good kid but after a month in that God forsaken place he is sucking on marijuana and already sounding very angry. I never served. I was 4-F. I didn't want to go but back then we had no choice. There was a draft so thousands of us had to go to Vietnam to defend the world for democracy. I just was one of the lucky ones. My friends who went, survived and came back mostly changed. My good buddy Ed (A wonderful guy by the way) drifted away. Driven up a hill in Vietnam with his Montenyards, he had do call in an airstrike on his position to survive. They dug and waited as the US Air force drenched the hill in napalm.

That changed Ed. One evening after he came back his parents threw a coming home party. After everyone left I sat in the backyard, kept my mouth shut and listened to Ed spill his guts.

I carry my scars too. One of my high school classmates borrowed a pencil from me. When he handed it back the lead stabbed into the soft fleshy side of my right hand. Not his fault. I reached back and didn't look. He wasn't holding the pencil by the point but rather by the eraser. The mark stayed with me and is still there four decades later. That fellow student died in Vietnam but I remember him. I carry that mark. I see it every day.

I hate war and unnecessary wars most of all.