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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

51 things you wish you could say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 . I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

7 . I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

8 . It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

9 . Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

10 . I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

11 . You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

12 . I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

13. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

14 . I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

15 . Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17 . Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

18 . What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

19 . I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21 . Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22 . And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

23 . Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

24 . This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

25 . I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

26 . Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

28 . Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

29 . Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

30 . Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

31 . An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

32 . Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

33 . Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

34. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

35 . Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

36 . How do I set a laser printer to stun?

37 . I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

38. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

39 . Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

40 . Aren't you a black hole of need.

41 . I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

42 . Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

43. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

44. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

45 . I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

46 . Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

47 . Have a nice day, somewhere else.

48 . You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

49 . You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

50 . Don't believe everything you think.

51 . Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

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